in perpetuum

whence all the winds are silent,

and all the rain are fallen,

and all we hear are the songs of sirens:

so oft! I think of you —

You had hoped that, by this time, you would have everything sorted out.

The train would arrive at its stop and you would step into the most beautiful, variegated landscape life had to offer. The clouds would whisk into a comforting blend as the sun’s rays danced upon rich verdure. Hills were abound, as were flowers. Then, from the corner of your eyes, you would see a charming little cottage resting atop the highlands. It would sing of fresh, warm bread.

And there would be music.

You wanted to believe that, if there were a time and place for everything, then everything would have its own time and place. You wanted to believe that there exists an extraordinary serenity – a solace so pure and gratifying that it was free of anguish, misery and torment.

Yet, life’s greatest rewards did not come without trial. She had her own method of distillation. She eliminated those who did not prove themselves worthy to bask in her sunlight. She threw at you one expectation after the other, and those who failed her test were the ones who let her challenges overwhelm them.

She sees you.

You fought. You did. You climbed over much of the obstructions in your way. There had been many a trough of despair but you escaped nonetheless. You have the lacerations to prove it.

She sees you.

She sees your body.

She sees your soul.

And you bleed.

And you burn.

And you swallow the noise of the world.

O, detachment in the air today:

’tis calling for me!

like oasis on the Sahara

I am entwined —

And there would be music.

originally published: 7 Mar 2019

green monster

a browning rose;

a sitting horse;

shallow waters

and shades of grey –

O, halcyon! Great twilight, ascend

now! reveal the balmy veil – Aegis of dawn!

If we see Dante, nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita,

it would be, merely,

a r e f l e | ɔ ƚ i o n of

what would have been.

I have grown unsure of my own self, strangely

yet the tightening of the red string of fate, (our fate?)

I feel – infallibly. impeccably.

Gaze upon her gait – I admire

your voice, a song, the whispers of nymphs.

’tis playing field, en٨inɘyardɘd thus –

You were enough.

beep beep beep

b e e p b e e p b e e p

beep beep beep

there you lay –

i hear the silent marble walls scream

O, pretty shade of red,

my dear – I fear me, too rightfully.

they do spoil their little darling.

how coruscant, scintillating as aurora, you are

picture of perfection. sight for sore eyes.

no more. none of this; no time for gewgaw.

all bagatelle.

i have awaken from solecism and culpability.

dulce, grandeur, ángelos –

by your side, i place a browning rose

there you lay, by a sitting horse

to the north, shallow waters painted grey –

i will place you on a keel.

i will wear your skin.

they will call your name.

O, halcyon.

originally published: 4 May 2017

i think it was/jamais vu

and, i –

i think i

will go over and over

mountains, over

and over

i may go.

twelve nights ago, i think it was –

we ate with friends.

i heard you recall a lunch with Anira one afternoon after school – sushi, you said it was. i heard you talk about the times we’d pick the apples off Auntie’s favourite tree and sit by its shade until she chases us off with the same old broom. i heard you recall its colour – a dusty red wood, i think it was, but darkened with water because she never shelters it from the rain. i heard you describe the taste of the rain, too. fresh and salty, i think it was. i remember you said it tasted better than the apples.

I escaped some nights ago and, I

ran straight for your house. I think it was

quiet and the air was sufficiently damp.

when I arrived, I did not dare to knock. half-past ten, I think it was;

I was sure your lights would still be on. but they weren’t, so I ran

and I ran

then, you spoke of the times in Math you’d throw eraser shavings at me from behind. i think Mrs Lee wasn’t watching, and you copied my answers. i think i still got a higher grade for that test because you mistook ‘6’ for ‘8’. we laughed over teas that night – english breakfast, you said it was – and you flipped the photo album to the first photo we took together.

i think it was an awkward group photo taken on the third evening from the first day we met. i think it was fun. you smiled, and, i

and I arrived at the docks.

I sneaked into a crate and was carried into the ship –

a big one; been in operation for years it seemed.

they found me, though, but they did not throw me out.

since then, i sailed many waters with Cap’n and we once landed at a mysterious island.

the fire gates were blazing and I think we walked

we walked and we found a beautiful waterfall in a cave with charming flowers.

it was the land of the lotus-eaters and

I brought one home.

that night, after everyone left, i sat with you in the serenity of an empty bar. i think you asked for another shot. we had nothing much else to say but i wanted to tell you about my adventures. i knew you did not want to listen. i think you looked at me with the same wry smile as you did on our first day. i think you asked how i was, and i know i did not answer. i think you said i looked well. i think you asked if i was okay.

but i think you did not apologise for leaving me behind all those years before. i think you forgot to say goodbye when you left me by your doorstep and i think you forgot you dropped the necklace i made for you. i think you forgot the name i gave you and i think you forgot mine. i think you forgot i stopped Auntie from hitting you with the broom. i think you forgot our favourite tea was never english breakfast, it was sencha. i think you forgot i took the photo. i think you forgot we were supposed to have lunch together that afternoon.

It was a beautiful island, that one.

Everyone loved it so much, some of them never came back.

I never went back to see Cap’n for the next expedition.

We were supposed to leave twelve nights ago, i think it was.

I told him I’d meet him at our next stop.

The lady at The Home found me, though, and she tried to take me back.

Only this time, you were not there to help me fight her, so I had to run.

I placed the lotus by your side

and I ran.

originally published: 26 Feb 2017