I am quite sure I’ve been cursed. It has become so much a part of me that it defines me, and I hate that it does.
I’m an Overthinker; and it is, in a lot of ways, a horrid reality. It has become so severe for me that it is impossible for me to go a day without thinking too much into even the most simplest affairs. I’m not even kidding. Even seeing a friend close to someone else makes me feel like I’m not as important to them as they are to me, like I’m just a backup plan. Being alone makes me feel like a reject. Hearing people around me laugh makes me paranoid that they’re laughing at me. I know it’s stupid and crazy, but I can’t help it, and I hate that about myself.
In my struggle to maintain my sanity, someone once told me that “it only matters to you because you make it matter”. That phrase resonated with me to the depths of my soul. Ever since then I’ve been wondering — why is it that we tend to wonder off into the unknown, digging up the worst memories hidden in the darkest corners of our minds, when we clearly don’t want to recall it?
The scary thing about overthinking is that it’s silent and invisible, and that it kills you, slowly, from the inside. It’s the incessant turning of all the negativity in our minds that makes us victims of this accursed phenomenon. I don’t know if it’s the same for you but, whenever I overthink, one thing leads to another; my head ends up in a twirl, my heart feels like it’s been stabbed countless times and is about to give way, I can’t think and then – BOOM – tears burst out of my eyes like water gushing out of a broken dam. It is at that very moment of affliction when all those recurring thoughts become questions — haunting questions that will never be answered, ones that force us to redefine ourselves and our purpose in life. At this stage, the curse would have already set in, and once it sets in, there is no turning back. I’m not alone here, right?
I read somewhere that life is about moving past the past and going towards the future. But because the future lies in the vast unknown, fear steps in, and the only thing that we can fall back on for support is our past experiences. It’s not as easy to let go and move on as people in movies and television shows make it out to be. Thence, I’d like to believe that at the end of it all, our minds will be the cause of our own psychological suicides. No matter how hard we will ourselves not to succumb to this kind of self-torture, it’ll never stop, because it isn’t something that can be cured overnight. In fact, there really is no cure at all. I can’t just ask you to stop overthinking. You can try, but it rebounds, doesn’t it? Things don’t work that way, not in this case at least.
I think it’s time to admit the truth. Overthinking is the reality. It’s a curse, it’s eternal, and it’s here to stay. Are you going to do anything about it?
originally published: 15 Aug 2015